BAD WEATHER MAKES JAPANESE TRAINS BETTER

New research has discovered that bad weather conditions actually makes the Japanese train network run better.

Traditional ways of delaying trains like torrential rain and snow actually improve the punctuality of trains in Japan. Being famed for its punctual and efficient train service on ordinary days, Japanese technology has topped itself once again by using extreme weather conditions in its favour, harnessing cold temperatures and snowfall to speed up its service, being the only country in the world to now welcome blizzard conditions.

The new system is the brain-child of Takahiro Ishikura, a long time loyal scientist for Japan Rail. He says:
"The idea came to me when my English teacher said how he actually works better when he has hangover, because he makes a greater effort to fight his very bad feeling in head and stomach, so he works more harder to be better teacher," however the story took a sad turn as he shed a tear and continued, "he is dead now. Liver failure." Despite his death his legacy lives on in the tireless efforts of both the technological and research team, adopting the English teachers credo of using terrible circumstances to improve performance.

On man-made Japanese soil (a technological feat in itself) Japan Rail scientists have devised a system of exploiting the body warmth of the mass of commuters as a conductor of energy that is then directed through heat responding sensors to the tracks to thaw snow and ice. On top of this, sleety conditions are picked up on more train sensors that allow faster communications with the centre of operations in Shinjuku, using low temperatures to bypass normal wavelength interference that plagues train network communications all over the world. But not now in Japan.

Before all this could happen though a delegation of researchers went to Britain in the winter of 2010 to learn from the oldest train network in the world. The trip proved to be enormously fruitful according to researcher Hibiki Katsumura:
"We learnt a great deal in England. We studied very hard the train network infrastructure and took all of it's lessons and ways of working, then did the exact opposite. From this we were able to create a template of an efficient and punctual train system. One that people are happy to pay for. We made it a mission statement of our team to never see the disgruntled expression, so common on the British commuter's face, on the face of the Japanese commuter."

There are critics however, saying that this multi-billion Yen project has cost the taxpayer so much for a situation that only occurs only a couple of times a year.
"The money and time could have been better spent," says train worker Shinji Watanabe. When asked on what the money could have been spent on, he suggested more wheels, "more wheels means faster trains." Despite the few critics, Japan is generally hailing this as another technological success.

Now researchers are looking into improving the 100% punctual service on normal days. So far no headway has been made. They are stumped. It looks like there are a few more stops on this track to bettering 100%, notwithstanding the mathematical impossibility. But if anyone can do it, the Japanese can.